Friday, February 17, 2012
My lovely little boy is almost one. Not so teeny tiny anymore...but still very much my baby. Still nursing. Still waking at least once during the night. Still giving me big slobbery open mouthed kisses. Still has every bit of my heart wrapped around his still teeny tiny finger.
But I've started noticing more newborns...more pregnant women. How happily peaceful they look (it's probably their first child else they would look a bit more alert and sleepy haha) and I can't help but feel pangs of wanting to be in their position. I loved being pregnant. I loved how exciting and hopeful it all was. Preparing for this big life changing event. And then holding my warm squishy little miracle. The boy I'd prayed for and spent almost two years dreaming of. He was (and still is) absolutely perfect in my eyes. A part of me is ready to add another miracle to my life. He's been such a blessing so far why wouldn't I want to add more of that blessing to my life but something holds me back. I feel like I'd be cheating on him somehow. Giving some of his love away. I can imagine his little face as he'd tug at my pant leg wanting me to scoop him up and fly him through the air making him squeal with delight and then bring him in for snuggles and kisses. But instead of doing that I'd have another baby to tend to. I'd either be nursing or changing the new baby's diaper and I'd have to tell him "not now" or "hold on". I wonder if he'd be thinking I didn't want to scoop him up. If he'd be thinking I didn't want to snuggle him. Would he be resentful of the new baby...or me?
I just struggled to get pregnant for so long that I don't want to take any second with my son for granted. I don't want to miss anything...including every single baby kiss he wants to give me or excitedly thanking him for handing me yet another Lego piece.
I want to have my kids close in age so that they will appreciate one another, grow up together and have fun playing. But I'm not ready to share even the tiniest piece of my heart with another child...and I fear I never will be.
Oh baby #2 I dream about you already but it's still taking me time to make the dream of you come true.